The Joke Thread

MiyoLinux · 2017-12-26 02:00:19

Three pieces of string were wanting a cup of coffee each.

The first one walked into the café and asked the barista for a cappuccino. The barista looked him up and down and said, "We don't serve string here." The piece of string walked out feeling sorry for himself.

The second piece of string walked into the café and asked the barista for a mocha. The barista looked him up and down and said, "We don't serve string here." The piece of string walked out feeling dejected.

The third piece of string had watched all of this happen and formulated a plan. He unraveled his top, tied a half-hitch in his middle, and then walked into the café and asked for a latte. The barista looked him up and down with suspicion, considered it for a minute, and then said, "Are you a piece of string?"

To which the third piece of string answered, "Nope...frayed knot".

fungus · 2017-12-27 05:17:16

Hey, did you know what color Christa McAuliffe's eyes were?

Blew!

One blew this way the other went that way!

Christa was the first American teacher to head for space, died 73" after lift off when the Challenger BLEW!

golinux · 2017-12-27 05:23:42

That's not funny

MiyoLinux · 2017-12-28 03:42:31

Anyone know where I can get a Decaffeinated Coffee Table?

Geoff 42 · 2017-12-28 09:38:11

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

MiyoLinux · 2017-12-30 00:40:10

Two atoms met for lunch, and the first one said to the second one, "How are you doing today?"

Atom 2: "Not too good; I've lost an electron."

Atom 1: "Are you sure?"

Atom 2: "Oh yeah. I'm Positive."

sgage · 2017-12-30 02:41:11

So, two guys walk into a bar. The bartender says, "is this some kind of a joke"?

sgage · 2017-12-30 02:51:48

A baseball joke that my non-American friends might not quite 'get':

The Boston Symphony recently performed Beethoven's Ninth symphony which is a wonderful piece that has a part near the end in which the bass violins do nothing. So, the bassists snuck offstage, out the backdoor, and next door to the local pub for a drink.

After quickly gulping down a few stiff drinks, one of them checked his watch and said, "Oh no, we only have 30 seconds to get back!"

Another bassist said, "Don't worry, I tied the last page of the conductor's score down with string to give us a bit more time. We'll be fine."

So, they staggered and stumbled back into the concert hall and took their places just as the conductor was busily working on the knot in the string so he could finish the symphony.

Someone in the audience asked his companion, "What's going on? Is there a problem?"
His companion said, "This is a critical point - it's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

Last edited by sgage (2017-12-30 02:52:28)

fungus · 2017-12-30 23:46:07

It's getting better and better

The last one must have come out of some Irish pub in Boston I suspect

Where do pencils go on vacation?

In Pencilvania

greenjeans · 2018-01-03 00:43:20

Guy walks into a bar with his dog, sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender says " Sorry man, your dog will have to wait outside".

Man says " Oh you don't understand, that's Rover, the world's only talking dog, ask him what he wants to drink"!

Bartender says " What do you want to drink Rover?" , Rover says "I'll have a light beer please"

Bartender says " Okay man, good ventriloquist trick, but your dog will need to wait outside"

Man: "No it's true, look I have to go use the restroom, when i'm gone, ask the dog again, you'll see"

Man goes to restroom and after he's gone, the bartender asks the dog again what he would like to drink.

Rover says " I said i'll have a light beer please"

The bartender gets really excited, and asks if Rover will do him a favor: "Here, take this ten dollar bill, walk across the street into Joe's bar, order a beer, and spit it out and say that our beer is ten times better, will you do that for me?"

Rover shrugs his doggy shoulders and says sure, and walks out.

The man finally comes out of the bathroom, and looks around for his dog, the bartender says " Oh I gave him some cash and asked him to do a small practical joke for me, sent him across the street"!

The man gets very upset and runs out of the bar to look for his dog.

As soon as he gets out to the street, he sees Rover, busy having his way with a cute poodle right there on the sidewalk.

The man says " OMG Rover i've never seen you do THIS before"

And Rover replies: .......

"....I never had ten dollars before"

ralph.ronnquist · 2018-01-03 10:50:13

This post is intentionally left blank.

zephyr · 2018-01-03 11:44:47

greenjeans wrote"....I never had ten dollars before"

first a grin and a good laugh once seeing the punch line further down.

Going to be great New year folks...thank you!

cheers

z

fungus · 2018-01-03 11:53:49

I’ve always thought my neighbors were the nicest people

But then they had to put a password on their Wi-Fi

golinux · 2018-01-03 16:31:32

ralph.ronnquist wrote:

This post is intentionally left blank.

No doubt the wittiest post in this thread.

fungus · 2018-01-03 23:24:14

Hey did you hear about the funniest joke in human history?

it even made golinux crank a smile

Last edited by fungus (2018-01-03 23:24:43)

MiyoLinux · 2018-01-04 21:59:05

Why did Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refuse novocaine when he went to the dentist?

Because he practices transend dental medication.

Last edited by MiyoLinux (2018-01-05 00:42:25)

golinux · 2018-01-04 22:15:35

. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur. TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.

MiyoLinux · 2018-01-04 22:34:36

golinux wrote:

. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur. TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.

I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

Last edited by MiyoLinux (2018-01-04 22:35:41)

golinux · 2018-01-04 22:54:19

MiyoLinux wrote:

golinux wrote:
. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur. TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.
I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.

No need to apologize. Most Buddhists in the West make it up as they go along. It's really rather pathetic. But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

I looked at this for several minutes before I realized - baygulls. I am a diehard literalist.

greenjeans · 2018-01-05 00:28:01

golinux wrote:

MiyoLinux wrote:
golinux wrote:
. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur. TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.
I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.
No need to apologize. Most Buddhists in the West make it up as they go along. It's really rather pathetic. But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
I looked at this for several minutes before I realized - baygulls. I am a diehard literalist.

What do you call a Texas Buddhist's mantra?

OM on the range.

MiyoLinux · 2018-01-05 00:40:58

golinux wrote:

But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?

Geesh...you're a hardliner. I was just repeating a joke; I didn't make it up. LOLOL!!!

In all fairness, many yoga practitioners practice TM.

I'll go edit the joke again...

Maybe this time it'll pass the golinux test??? LOLOLOLOL!!!

golinux · 2018-01-05 00:46:33

greenjeans wrote:

golinux wrote:
MiyoLinux wrote:
I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.
No need to apologize. Most Buddhists in the West make it up as they go along. It's really rather pathetic. But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
I looked at this for several minutes before I realized - baygulls. I am a diehard literalist.
What do you call a Texas Buddhist's mantra?
OM on the range.

FYI, mantras are a cultural appendage to Buddhism not Buddhism.

Happy to see you finally got the TM stuff right.

MiyoLinux · 2018-01-05 00:57:08

golinux wrote:

FYI, mantras are a cultural appendage to Buddhism not Buddhism.

Perhaps it's my warped sense of humor, but your literal and hardline stance cracks me up.

I think I'll stay away from any more Buddhism stuff, because I'm not Buddhicipherous enough to know what's what.

golinux · 2018-01-05 01:24:01

MiyoLinux wrote:

golinux wrote:
FYI, mantras are a cultural appendage to Buddhism not Buddhism.
Perhaps it's my warped sense of humor, but your literal and hardline stance cracks me up.

Awwwww . . . that's sweet.

I think I'll stay away from any more Buddhism stuff, because I'm not Buddhicipherous enough to know what's what.

You have a lot of company. Please don't take it personally . . .

Perhaps you want to move on to mushroom humor?

MiyoLinux · 2018-01-05 02:34:02

golinux wrote:

You have a lot of company. Please don't take it personally . . .

I didn't take it personally...I was enjoying the "challenge".

golinux wrote:

Perhaps you want to move on to mushroom humor?

Okay...but don't confuse my cornyism with mushroomism.

Some mushrooms in a tightly packed container were waiting idly in the produce section of the supermarket.

One said, "Hey! Move over...you're crowding my space!"

To which the other replied, "I can't. There's not mush room in here!"

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#26 2017-12-26 02:00:19

Re: The Joke Thread

#27 2017-12-27 05:17:16

Re: The Joke Thread

#28 2017-12-27 05:23:42

Re: The Joke Thread

#29 2017-12-28 03:42:31

Re: The Joke Thread

#30 2017-12-28 09:38:11

Re: The Joke Thread

#31 2017-12-30 00:40:10

Re: The Joke Thread

#32 2017-12-30 02:41:11

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#33 2017-12-30 02:51:48

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#34 2017-12-30 23:46:07

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#35 2018-01-03 00:43:20

Re: The Joke Thread

#36 2018-01-03 10:50:13

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#37 2018-01-03 11:44:47

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#38 2018-01-03 11:53:49

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#39 2018-01-03 16:31:32

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#40 2018-01-03 23:24:14

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#41 2018-01-04 21:59:05

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#42 2018-01-04 22:15:35

Re: The Joke Thread

#43 2018-01-04 22:34:36

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#44 2018-01-04 22:54:19

Re: The Joke Thread

#45 2018-01-05 00:28:01

Re: The Joke Thread

#46 2018-01-05 00:40:58

Re: The Joke Thread

#47 2018-01-05 00:46:33

Re: The Joke Thread

#48 2018-01-05 00:57:08

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#49 2018-01-05 01:24:01

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#50 2018-01-05 02:34:02

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