The Joke Thread

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-02-20 10:51:27

Yesterday, I went to the deli. I asked the guy behind the counter if I could get turkey and Swiss on wheat bread with pickles.

He said, "Sorry, we only accept cash or cards."

moulder61 · 2025-02-20 15:17:55

I went to the deli too! They were advertising that you could have any sandwich you liked, however exotic.
So I asked for an elephant trunk sandwich and the assistant said "Sorry, we can't do that for you."
I said "But you're advertising I can have anything I want!"
She said "We've run out of bread."

quickfur · 2025-02-20 15:46:39

My local deli's owner had two pets. I didn't have the heart to tell him who's been stealing his food... it was two deli cat!

moulder61 · 2025-02-20 17:27:18

My brother moved to Australia a few years back, and I hadn't heard from him for a while.
He phoned yesterday and the first thing he asked was "How's the cat?"
So I said "It's dead."
He said "Whaaaat?! Tabby? Dead?? You know I loved that cat to bits. You could have broken it to me a bit more gently. You could have said he was up on the roof chasing a bird, and the bird flew off as he jumped for it, and he slid down the tiles and tried to grab the gutter with his claws but unfortunately he fell, and the vet was called but there was nothing he could do to help, and we were all there at the end when he passed away peacefully. Or something. By the way, how's Mum?"
So I said "She was up on the roof chasing a bird.............."

quickfur · 2025-02-21 02:55:43

Just as they were lowering the coffin into the ground, Harry heard his grandma's voice call out to him from inside.

That was when he realized that the funeral had been a grave mistake.

moulder61 · 2025-02-21 12:27:58

Our local graveyard is very popular. People are dying to get in there.
In fact I was walking through it the other night at 1am, taking a shortcut home.
I heard a tapping noise nearby and was a bit worried until I saw an old man sat at a gravestone working away with a hammer and chisel!
I said to him "You had me scared for a minute! What are you doing?"
He said "They spelt my name wrong."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-02-23 20:26:43

To brighten your day, call this number...

1-248-434-5508

Some guy named Rick will answer.

moulder61 · 2025-02-23 23:51:24

I think our phone number must be very similar to the Coast Guards number. Some bloke keeps ringing up and asking if the coast is clear?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-02-26 09:57:50

Did you hear about the fight between the crabs and shrimp at Joe's Crab Shack?

Yeah, the shrimp got battered.

moulder61 · 2025-02-26 12:58:24

I remember hearing about the lobster that went to an underwater disco, showed off his breakdancing skills and pulled a mussel.

quickfur · 2025-02-26 16:35:39

They tried to take the lobster to the hospital via ambulance, but the lobster found it too claw-strophobic!

moulder61 · 2025-02-26 17:29:45

I ordered a lobster in a restaurant, and when it arrived it only had one claw!
I complained to the waiter and he said "It was in a fight."
So I said "Well bring me the winner then."

quickfur · 2025-02-26 19:07:57

Yeah, that winner? He's a notorious lobster!

And he's always laughing at the losers, because people always crack 'em up!

And the other day, he needed a ride to the other side of town. So he called a crab.

golinux · 2025-02-26 19:15:44

More posts in this thread today than anywhere else on this forum combined. What's wrong with that picture? Has devuan become a joke?

moulder61 · 2025-02-26 20:04:51

@golinux

You could do us all a favour and shut this thread down.

golinux · 2025-02-26 20:23:13

Take charge of your own addiction! Closing this would not be fair to other Devuan users.

moulder61 · 2025-02-26 20:37:24

Not so much an addiction as a cunning plan! Be patient......

Last edited by moulder61 (2025-02-26 20:37:38)

golinux · 2025-02-26 21:24:17

@moulder61 . . . Please note that I do NOT read the jokes. I am only a bean counter keeping track or resource usage. It is disturbing

greenjeans · 2025-02-26 23:23:55

Has devuan become a joke?

Microsoft, Apple, and Devuan walk into a bar.

Bartender: "We have a special today on our super secret house specialty drink, like to try it?"

They all agree to try it. Bartender walks up to a huge machine with all kinds of dials and switches, flips a bunch of them, then punches in a code. Then brings them their drinks.

Microsoft: "We would like to buy the recipe for this drink, but you must sign an agreement never to disclose the recipe".
Apple: "We would like to buy the recipe AND the machine but you must sign a binding agreement to never give it to anyone else".

Devuan: "Why are you using a recipe or a machine? It's a friggin' gin & tonic, I can totally make you another one if you want".

moulder61 · 2025-02-27 13:48:14

@golinux

You said "Closing this would not be fair to other Devuan users."

So you don't object to a joke thread per se, just the amount of jokes? With the state of the world as it is at the moment, I recommend "more" jokes.

You also said "Please note that I do NOT read the jokes. I am only a bean counter keeping track or(sic) resource usage. It is disturbing."

Maybe you "should" read the jokes. Some of them are quite funny. I refer to my previous comment about the state of the world, yet you find a few jokes to be disturbing!
I can't believe that, however many jokes there are, it uses up much in the way of resources. Perhaps you can explain it to the uninitiated?

brocashelm · 2025-02-27 20:28:26

The "jokes" in this thread are mostly lame, recycled dad jokes that only dads themselves find funny.

On the other hand, taking a "joke" thread seriously (in any context) is actually pretty hilarious. First time I burst out laughing on here (since the quote-to-reply button was removed).

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-02-27 20:33:06

golinux wrote:

Please note that I do NOT read the jokes.

Hmmm...there may be some disparity here. The jokes aren't read, but replies are made to comments that aren't jokes?

Therefore, I can only assume...

One must read both the jokes and comments in order to reply to the comments that aren't jokes.

Last night, my wife asked me, "Is it just me, or is the dog getting fat?"

Apparently, when I said that it was just her...that wasn't the right answer...

quickfur · 2025-02-27 20:45:51

As they say, it takes courage for a man to admit that his wife is wrong.

moulder61 · 2025-02-27 21:09:15

brocashelm said:
The "jokes" in this thread are mostly lame, recycled dad jokes that only dads themselves find funny.

I resemble that remark.

golinux · 2025-02-27 21:55:01

Time for a little break . . .

The officially official Devuan Forum!

#876 2025-02-20 10:51:27

Re: The Joke Thread

#877 2025-02-20 15:17:55

Re: The Joke Thread

#878 2025-02-20 15:46:39

Re: The Joke Thread

#879 2025-02-20 17:27:18

Re: The Joke Thread

#880 2025-02-21 02:55:43

Re: The Joke Thread

#881 2025-02-21 12:27:58

Re: The Joke Thread

#882 2025-02-23 20:26:43

Re: The Joke Thread

#883 2025-02-23 23:51:24

Re: The Joke Thread

#884 2025-02-26 09:57:50

Re: The Joke Thread

#885 2025-02-26 12:58:24

Re: The Joke Thread

#886 2025-02-26 16:35:39

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#887 2025-02-26 17:29:45

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#888 2025-02-26 19:07:57

Re: The Joke Thread

#889 2025-02-26 19:15:44

Re: The Joke Thread

#890 2025-02-26 20:04:51

Re: The Joke Thread

#891 2025-02-26 20:23:13

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#892 2025-02-26 20:37:24

Re: The Joke Thread

#893 2025-02-26 21:24:17

Re: The Joke Thread

#894 2025-02-26 23:23:55

Re: The Joke Thread

#895 2025-02-27 13:48:14

Re: The Joke Thread

#896 2025-02-27 20:28:26

Re: The Joke Thread

#897 2025-02-27 20:33:06

Re: The Joke Thread

#898 2025-02-27 20:45:51

Re: The Joke Thread

#899 2025-02-27 21:09:15

Re: The Joke Thread

#900 2025-02-27 21:55:01

Re: The Joke Thread

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