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quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

"My sister plays the piano by ear!"

"That's nothing; my brother fiddles with his whiskers!"

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Patient: Is that better than an ugly one?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher

Member

Registered: 2023-08-24

Posts: 429  

Re: The Joke Thread

I went to a grocery store and asked an employee where I could find the milk.

He said, "By the yogurt."

I said, "No, I just need milk."

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

My daughter decided to name her iPad after the Titanic.  I have a syncing feeling about this...

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Math teacher: Why are you handing in a blank sheet of paper for your assignment?

Student: Because all my answers are imaginary numbers.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

The student was dozing off in English class. The teacher noticed, and snapped:

"Name two pronouns!"

The student replied groggily, "Who, me?"

golinux

Administrator

Registered: 2016-11-25

Posts: 3,317  

Re: The Joke Thread

@quickfur . . . I have to admit that you are really good at this . . . 

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zapper

Member

Registered: 2017-05-29

Posts: 967  

Re: The Joke Thread

I got one I remembered, what is the similarities of miachel jackson and mcdonalds?

Their 40 year old meat and ten year old buns! O!!!!!!!!!!!1

If this goes too far, feel free to let me know.

I am not completely sure

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Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. Feelings are not facts
If you wish to be humbled, try to exalt yourself long term  If you wish to be exalted, try to humble yourself long term
Favourite operating systems: Hyperbola Devuan OpenBSD
Peace Be With us All!

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Europun Trip

Had a Danish for breakfast,
But I'm still Hungary.
Went with France to a Turkey lunch,
Paid the Czech and climbed the tower in Paris:
Eiffel and now I'm in Seine.
Saw repairman on a Poland said:
Lift me outta here, Ukraine!

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Airport security found a suspicious-looking unattended suitcase.

After efforts to find the owner failed, they decided to force it open.  And lo and behold, it contained nothing but a single German sausage.

"Oh no," said the chief inspector. "This is the wurst case scenario!"

zapper

Member

Registered: 2017-05-29

Posts: 967  

Re: The Joke Thread

@quickfur oh boy, that last one was lame and I love it.

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Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. Feelings are not facts
If you wish to be humbled, try to exalt yourself long term  If you wish to be exalted, try to humble yourself long term
Favourite operating systems: Hyperbola Devuan OpenBSD
Peace Be With us All!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher

Member

Registered: 2023-08-24

Posts: 429  

Re: The Joke Thread

I went to the doctor, and he said I had less than a year.

I figured I had nothing to lose, so I robbed a bank.

The judge gave me 20 years.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

"Recently they knighted the graphic artist, but they discovered that he was quite the coward."

"Why is that?"

"His name was Sir Render."

bilhook

Member

Registered: 2024-02-13

Posts: 78  

Re: The Joke Thread

Apparently you can't be a morris dancer if you are circumsised, to be a morris dancer you have to be a complete prick.
Any analogies, better than second hand car sales and estate agents and Windows and Elon nuking the poles on mars and blowing up the solar system.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Doctor: Before we begin this procedure, I have to warn you that the survival rate is only 50%.
Patient: Well, then let's do it twice!

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Patient: Doctor, doctor, please help! I'm hurting everywhere!  See, when I touch here, and here, and here... Ouch! it hurts!
Doctor: (does full body checkup)
Patient: Well? What is it?
Doctor: You have a broken finger.

nahkhiirmees

Member

Registered: 2022-07-24

Posts: 261  

Re: The Joke Thread

I'm sure that there was an episode of House which included that "my finger hurts"-joke.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Why is the doctor always so calm?  Because he has a lot of patients.

Why is the pediatrician so short-tempered?  Because he has little patients.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher

Member

Registered: 2023-08-24

Posts: 429  

Re: The Joke Thread

My best friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.

I couldn't believe it. I was apalled, astonished, alarmed, astounded, bewildered, startled, dismayed, aghast, and stunned.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

Which dinosaur has the richest vocabulary?  The the-saurus, of course.

My best friend was charged with stealing my dictionary.  I have no words.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

A soldier is bragging about his wartime experiences. He has survived both mustard gas and pepper spray. I guess he's a seasoned veteran!

zapper

Member

Registered: 2017-05-29

Posts: 967  

Re: The Joke Thread

I wanted a hug from a fish, so I looked for a cuddlefish.

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Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. Feelings are not facts
If you wish to be humbled, try to exalt yourself long term  If you wish to be exalted, try to humble yourself long term
Favourite operating systems: Hyperbola Devuan OpenBSD
Peace Be With us All!

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

How do you make a cuttlefish laugh?  Give it ten tickles.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 431  

Re: The Joke Thread

The subatomic particle was speeding along the highway, and got pulled over by a cop.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demanded the cop.

"No, but I do know my position!"

GlennW

Member

From: Brisbane, Australia

Registered: 2019-07-18

Posts: 644  

Re: The Joke Thread

Thank you for making me smile again @quickfur... I hope you're well. And I wish for you peace, & have a good weekend too.

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pic from 1993, new guitar day.