The Joke Thread

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-07 17:41:49

In English, we are taught to never use a double negative when writing or speaking...

...because it's a big no-no.

greenjeans · 2023-12-07 21:20:49

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher wrote:

I thought things when I read groan and fertile, but I won't say what I thought...
Bwahahahaha!

Settle down Beavis.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-07 22:52:17

Hahaha!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-08 03:11:31

I told my wife that her underwear is too tight and too revealing.

She said, "Then wear your own."

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2023-12-08 03:35:26)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-08 19:01:58

I recently bought a television that said "built in anntena".

I don't know where that is.

mclien · 2023-12-09 10:26:29

Three man in a boat had 4 cigarettes but no matches.
How do they manage to smoke?

The threw away one cigarette, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

zapper · 2023-12-12 00:51:47

mclien wrote:

Three man in a boat had 4 cigarettes but no matches.
How do they manage to smoke?
The threw away one cigarette, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

Very clever... insert smug smile below:

Or troll face smile if you prefer...

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-14 19:03:40

I asked my friend Sam (who writes jingles for commercials) to write a quick jingle for the iphone.

Then, Sam sung.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-17 00:25:11

I haven't talked to my wife in over 10 years...

...because I don't want to interrupt her.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-20 14:59:40

I picked up a hitch hiker the other day.

He asked, "How do you know if I'm a serial killer or not?"

So I asked, "What are the chances of two serial killers being in the same car?"

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-21 16:55:57

My wife said that I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side.

So, I crashed the car.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-22 16:54:30

Yesterday, I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated.

So, she made an appointment for me next week.

quickfur · 2023-12-22 17:39:11

How do you survive on a desert island with no boat and no food?

You eat the sand-wich is there.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-28 11:31:01

Sometimes, my wife wakes up grumpy.

Other times, she lets me sleep late.

golinux · 2023-12-28 15:33:19

What's with all the wife jokes . . . ? How about some husband jokes for balance?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-28 16:41:30

golinux wrote:

What's with all the wife jokes . . . ? How about some husband jokes for balance?

I thought that last one was a husband joke???

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-28 16:54:22

Okay...

I've gone back (over page 7 of this thread) and counted the number of "jokes" meant to poke fun at husbands or wives. By my count, the jokes meant to poke fun at husbands is three, and the number meant to poke fun at wives is two.

Pokes at husbands: Posts #s 154, 162, and 164
Pokes at wives: Posts # 159 and 161

???

If I've offended people, I apologize...

...but I still think they're funny.

golinux · 2023-12-28 17:10:08

Hahaha! Thanks for the stats!! Just shows how accurate our perceptions are . . . Carry on with making us smile!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-28 17:35:04

Okay...but bear down.

My wife asked, "Our neighbor always hugs and kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"

I said, "I don't even know her."

Husbands 4
Wives 2

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2023-12-28 17:36:42)

quickfur · 2023-12-28 18:11:04

I don't have any wife jokes, what about wifi jokes?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-28 18:18:06

quickfur wrote:

I don't have any wife jokes, what about wifi jokes?

Q. What were the router's last words?

A. Tell my wifi love her.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-28 20:00:20

Okay...

My non-binary partner said that I needed to get more in touch with my non-binary side.
So,

01001001 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100001 01110011 01101000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01101001 01110010 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110010

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2023-12-28 20:05:43)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-29 15:48:55

My son asked me to explain taxes.

So I ate 33.3% of his ice cream.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-29 20:18:13

I went to a job interview for a Salesman's position.

I was handed a laptop, and he said that he wanted me to sell the laptop to him.

So, I took the laptop and left the interview.
.
.
.
.
The next day, I was called and told to return the laptop.

I said, "It's yours for $600."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2023-12-30 10:33:33

My wife and I were having a romantic dinner.

She said, "What starts with S and ends with X."

I said, "No it doesn't."

The officially official Devuan Forum!

#151 2023-12-07 17:41:49

Re: The Joke Thread

#152 2023-12-07 21:20:49

Re: The Joke Thread

#153 2023-12-07 22:52:17

Re: The Joke Thread

#154 2023-12-08 03:11:31

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#155 2023-12-08 19:01:58

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#156 2023-12-09 10:26:29

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#157 2023-12-12 00:51:47

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#158 2023-12-14 19:03:40

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#159 2023-12-17 00:25:11

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#160 2023-12-20 14:59:40

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#161 2023-12-21 16:55:57

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#162 2023-12-22 16:54:30

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#163 2023-12-22 17:39:11

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#164 2023-12-28 11:31:01

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#165 2023-12-28 15:33:19

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#166 2023-12-28 16:41:30

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#167 2023-12-28 16:54:22

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#168 2023-12-28 17:10:08

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#169 2023-12-28 17:35:04

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#170 2023-12-28 18:11:04

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#171 2023-12-28 18:18:06

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#172 2023-12-28 20:00:20

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#173 2023-12-29 15:48:55

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#174 2023-12-29 20:18:13

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#175 2023-12-30 10:33:33

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