The Joke Thread

quickfur · 2024-04-18 13:17:55

"My sister plays the piano by ear!"

"That's nothing; my brother fiddles with his whiskers!"

quickfur · 2024-04-18 13:23:32

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Patient: Is that better than an ugly one?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-04-19 19:51:28

I went to a grocery store and asked an employee where I could find the milk.

He said, "By the yogurt."

I said, "No, I just need milk."

quickfur · 2024-04-19 20:56:50

My daughter decided to name her iPad after the Titanic. I have a syncing feeling about this...

quickfur · 2024-04-19 21:12:03

Math teacher: Why are you handing in a blank sheet of paper for your assignment?

Student: Because all my answers are imaginary numbers.

quickfur · 2024-04-19 21:28:20

The student was dozing off in English class. The teacher noticed, and snapped:

"Name two pronouns!"

The student replied groggily, "Who, me?"

golinux · 2024-04-19 21:36:10

@quickfur . . . I have to admit that you are really good at this . . .

zapper · 2024-04-19 22:35:17

I got one I remembered, what is the similarities of miachel jackson and mcdonalds?

Their 40 year old meat and ten year old buns! O!!!!!!!!!!!1

If this goes too far, feel free to let me know.

I am not completely sure

quickfur · 2024-04-20 22:05:03

Europun Trip

Had a Danish for breakfast,
But I'm still Hungary.
Went with France to a Turkey lunch,
Paid the Czech and climbed the tower in Paris:
Eiffel and now I'm in Seine.
Saw repairman on a Poland said:
Lift me outta here, Ukraine!

quickfur · 2024-04-20 22:43:38

Airport security found a suspicious-looking unattended suitcase.

After efforts to find the owner failed, they decided to force it open. And lo and behold, it contained nothing but a single German sausage.

"Oh no," said the chief inspector. "This is the wurst case scenario!"

zapper · 2024-04-21 02:04:33

@quickfur oh boy, that last one was lame and I love it.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-04-21 14:51:27

I went to the doctor, and he said I had less than a year.

I figured I had nothing to lose, so I robbed a bank.

The judge gave me 20 years.

quickfur · 2024-04-24 13:21:04

"Recently they knighted the graphic artist, but they discovered that he was quite the coward."

"Why is that?"

"His name was Sir Render."

bilhook · 2024-04-24 17:18:46

Apparently you can't be a morris dancer if you are circumsised, to be a morris dancer you have to be a complete prick.
Any analogies, better than second hand car sales and estate agents and Windows and Elon nuking the poles on mars and blowing up the solar system.

quickfur · 2024-04-24 23:55:03

Doctor: Before we begin this procedure, I have to warn you that the survival rate is only 50%.
Patient: Well, then let's do it twice!

quickfur · 2024-04-25 00:00:21

Patient: Doctor, doctor, please help! I'm hurting everywhere! See, when I touch here, and here, and here... Ouch! it hurts!
Doctor: (does full body checkup)
Patient: Well? What is it?
Doctor: You have a broken finger.

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#351 2024-04-18 13:17:55

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#352 2024-04-18 13:23:32

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#353 2024-04-19 19:51:28

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#354 2024-04-19 20:56:50

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#355 2024-04-19 21:12:03

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#357 2024-04-19 21:36:10

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#358 2024-04-19 22:35:17

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#359 2024-04-20 22:05:03

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#360 2024-04-20 22:43:38

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#361 2024-04-21 02:04:33

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#362 2024-04-21 14:51:27

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#363 2024-04-24 13:21:04

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#364 2024-04-24 17:18:46

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#365 2024-04-24 23:55:03

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#366 2024-04-25 00:00:21

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