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moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

A snail called the police and said he'd been mugged by a tortoise.
The policeman asked if he could describe the tortoise?
The snail said, "No, it happened so quickly."

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

The other day I met a slug who claimed that he was actually a snail.  He said that he had just gone through a divorce, and she got the house.

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

So I went to the garden centre and bought a box of 1000 slug pellets.
2 hours later I went back for another box.
The same assistant served me and said "Wow! Another 1000 slug pellets? You must have a serious slug infestation?"
I said "No, just the one, but I'm having trouble hitting it".

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

My former neighbour loved dogs.  He had 10 pugs who would cuddle up with him in bed at night.

I guess you could say he had a bed pug infestation!

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

I said to my neighbour "I saw your cat go up to the end of the garden, dig a hole then poop in it!"
He said "Yeah, they all do that."
I said "What, with a shovel?"

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

One cat said to another, Why does my human servant keep stealing my poop with a tiny shovel?!

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

Two fish in a tank. One said to the other "How do you steer this thing?"

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

The other fish replied, First, you hook this up here, and then you pull this rod up...

The first fish bit the hook and got reeled out of the tank. It said angrily, Well, tanks a lot!

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

What's the fastest fish in the sea?
A motor pike with a side carp.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher

Member

Registered: 2023-08-24

Posts: 455  

Re: The Joke Thread

My therapist said that she thinks I don't understand social clues.

I think she was flirting with me.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher

Member

Registered: 2023-08-24

Posts: 455  

Re: The Joke Thread

How to tell a man from a woman...

When a woman says, "Smell this.", it smells good.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

Salesman: Here's one of our recommended products: an air freshener controlled by thought.
Customer: That's ridiculous.
Salesman: It makes scents when you think about it!

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

Today, I was thinking about the most life changing thing that's ever happened to me.
I remember one day when it was raining heavily.
I looked out at my garden, and the wooden structure at the end with the hole in the roof.
That was a watershed moment for me.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

Did you see today's headlines about the spade incident?

It's groundbreaking news!

🤣

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

I never saw that headline, I was too busy digging half a hole.
Then I didn't know what to do with all the dirt I'd dug up, so I dug another hole and buried it.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

That's a pretty hole-some joke.

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

Talking of holes, I've lost a buttonhole. I hate it when that happens.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

Boy: Help, my shirt button popped out, but I don't know how to sew it back on!
Girl: Just sew up the buttonhole instead.

🤣

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher

Member

Registered: 2023-08-24

Posts: 455  

Re: The Joke Thread

I was at the gym yesterday, and I saw some idiot on a treadmill put a water bottle in the holder for Pringles.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2025-02-12 16:02:46)

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

Speaking of gyms... I wish I didn't have to do all that hard work.  Why can't they make it so that I can just drop off my body there and pick it up later when it's ready??!

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

I found jogging to be a lot cheaper than a gym membership, so I started jogging 10 miles a day.
After a week, I was no healthier, but I was 70 miles from home.

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's already 7 years in a row!

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

My memory was playing up so I bought a set of memory and concentration books.
They worked on word association, and I was explaining it to a friend.
I gave him the example of a restaurant I particularly liked but could never remember the name of.
I said "You know that flower that's usually red in colour, has a thorny stem and they're often given as a token of love?"
He said "You mean a rose?"
I said "Yeah, that's it!" then I called my wife and said "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we like?"
They were really good books but I forget how much I paid for them?

quickfur

Member

Registered: 2023-12-14

Posts: 472  

Re: The Joke Thread

Yesterday, I discovered the secret to curing forgetfulness. Unfortunately, this morning I forgot what it was, and I can't seem to recall it now. 🤣

moulder61

Member

Registered: 2024-07-06

Posts: 80  

Re: The Joke Thread

So, the Queen was visiting an insane asylum(it's an old joke) and one of the patients was doing a lovely job with a rockery and some flowers. She said to the man "Wow, that looks amazing. It's really beautiful!"
He said "Thank you Ma'am, I'm honoured you would think so. In fact, I shouldn't be in here at all. Is there any chance you could have a word with the Governor to see if I can be released as there's obviously been a serious mistake in locking me up?"
The Queen said "Yes, I will do that for you. You are obviously very talented and should be out in the world sharing your gift."
As she walked away, a lump of rock hit her on the back of the head.
The man called out "Don't forget, will you?"