The Joke Thread

moulder61 · 2024-08-28 20:12:02

I went to the R.S.P.C.A. head office today. It's really small. Not enough room to swing a cat.

quickfur · 2024-08-29 03:55:49

After driving past an accident and getting my tires damaged by glass shards, I now need to replace my car tires.

Fortunately, I have been contributing to my re-tire-ment plan, so I should be covered.

quickfur · 2024-08-29 04:03:12

Recently I saw a novel by an author named Paige Turner. I guess she was born to be a famous writer!

quickfur · 2024-08-29 17:24:52

Did you hear about the guy who boiled his funny bone? It was a laughing stock.

Now, that's humerus.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-30 10:06:22

In a panic, I went to the doctor yesterday.

I said, "Doc, I'm really worried. I think I'm shrinking."

He said, "Settle down. You just need to learn how to be a little patient."

quickfur · 2024-08-30 13:51:15

The old man's mind was beginning to deteriorate, and he told the doctor about how all of his sons want to grow up to be valets.

The doctor said, "Wow, that's the most severe case of parking sons' disease that I've ever seen!"

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-30 16:03:40

I know a lot of these jokes may cause some eye-rolls and groans, but these jokes are really the best...and here's why.

Y

quickfur · 2024-08-30 18:02:33

Well, the problem is that I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

quickfur · 2024-08-30 23:06:10

Everyone was astounded when the mathematician won the plowing competition and the farmer came out second.

"How did he do it?" they asked.

"Simple," says the farmer. "He had a pro tractor."

quickfur · 2024-09-01 20:21:38

A chicken and an egg walked into a bar. The bartender asked, Which of you is first?

Unfortunately, the question is unanswered. 😜

greenjeans · 2024-09-02 01:53:12

A chicken and an egg walked into a bar. The bartender asked, Which of you is first?
Unfortunately, the question is unanswered. 😜

ROTFL!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-02 22:22:24

I went up to a street vendor and asked for a foot-long hot dog.

He said, "Okay. It won't be long."

So I asked, "Why? Is it stacked?"

moulder61 · 2024-09-03 10:55:29

I was walking down the road and saw two council workers. One was digging a hole and the other was filling it back in. I asked what they were doing and one of them told me that the guy that plants the trees is on holiday!

quickfur · 2024-09-03 16:26:04

the guy that plants the trees is on holiday!

In-tree-guing!

moulder61 · 2024-09-03 22:24:59

I wanted to paint a tree and was told to go to the tree paint shop. I'd never heard of it, but apparently they have branches everywhere?

quickfur · 2024-09-03 23:42:35

Once, someone walked under an old tree and suddenly a branch broke off and knocked him unconscious.

Tree strikes and you're out!

moulder61 · 2024-09-04 10:14:59

Based on the question that "if a tree fell in a forest and no-one was there, would it make a noise?" - If a man was in a forest mansplaining something and his wife wasn't there, would he still be wrong?

stargate-sg1-cheyenne-mtn · 2024-09-04 10:56:47

does anybody really know what time it is?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Does_Anybody_Really_Know_What_Time_It_Is

also see:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temporal_paradox

and perhaps:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2631984-the-time-paradox

even deeper:
https://dev1galaxy.org/viewtopic.php?pid=46297#p46297

moulder61 · 2024-09-04 13:50:39

A guy wins the lottery and decides he will treat himself to a proper expensive watch.
The one he buys cost £500,000, is solid gold, diamond encrusted and is accurate to within 1 second in million years.
He's at home that evening admiring his watch when the News at Ten comes on TV.
He hears Big Ben's chimes for 10 o'clock and looks at his watch which is showing 7.30pm?
He slaps his son round the head and says "I told you to stop messing about with the bloody television!"

quickfur · 2024-09-04 13:55:35

They finally made a movie about watches. It's about time!

quickfur · 2024-09-04 16:33:58

The weather forecast predicted a major storm, but it turned out to be only a tempest in a teapot. It was a brew-tea-ful day!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-05 15:56:03

Yesterday, I decided to stop looking at my bank account.

I wanted to rid myself of all the negative things in my life.

quickfur · 2024-09-05 17:03:16

Really? And here I was thinking my banking app is always giving me positive feedback. Every time I log in, it tells me that my balance is outstanding!

moulder61 · 2024-09-05 22:20:16

A guy goes into the bank with a sawn off shotgun and says to the cashier, "Give me all the cash!"
Cashier says, "No, I don't think so."
Gunman says, "Did you not see I have a sawn off shotgun pointed right at you?"
Cashier says, "Did you not see you've sawn the wrong end off?"

moulder61 · 2024-09-05 22:25:07

Meanwhile, another idiot has forged some £18 notes and thinks that, to be clever, he'll go into the bank to get them changed.
The cashier says, "Did you want 3 sixes or 2 nines?"

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#651 2024-08-28 20:12:02

Re: The Joke Thread

#652 2024-08-29 03:55:49

Re: The Joke Thread

#653 2024-08-29 04:03:12

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#654 2024-08-29 17:24:52

Re: The Joke Thread

#655 2024-08-30 10:06:22

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#656 2024-08-30 13:51:15

Re: The Joke Thread

#657 2024-08-30 16:03:40

Re: The Joke Thread

Y

#658 2024-08-30 18:02:33

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#659 2024-08-30 23:06:10

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#660 2024-09-01 20:21:38

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#661 2024-09-02 01:53:12

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#662 2024-09-02 22:22:24

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#663 2024-09-03 10:55:29

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#664 2024-09-03 16:26:04

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#665 2024-09-03 22:24:59

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#666 2024-09-03 23:42:35

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#667 2024-09-04 10:14:59

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#668 2024-09-04 10:56:47

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#669 2024-09-04 13:50:39

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#670 2024-09-04 13:55:35

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#671 2024-09-04 16:33:58

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#672 2024-09-05 15:56:03

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#673 2024-09-05 17:03:16

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#674 2024-09-05 22:20:16

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#675 2024-09-05 22:25:07

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