The Joke Thread

golinux · 2024-06-21 17:51:44

@aluma wrote:

Although, above, Uncle @golinux mentioned “imagination”, but did not reveal the topic of mushrooms.

Nope . . . I outgrew that dead end 50 years ago. Even the memories are gone . . . thankfully. There is no value in experiencing altered perceptions. There is great value in understanding the process of perception and letting it all go.

And BTW . . . I have never eaten a frankfurter so no skin in that game either . . .

Try again . . .

Last edited by golinux (2024-06-21 21:43:17)

quickfur · 2024-06-21 22:10:33

As the husband once said to his unhappy wife: Of course I'm watching my weight. I've just gotten it to the point where I can finally see it!

Last edited by quickfur (2024-06-21 22:11:54)

quickfur · 2024-06-21 22:19:30

I have never eaten a frankfurter so no skin in that game either . . .

Ohoho, you're getting good at this, golinux.

Now the question is, collagen or cellulose? Or perhaps just natural, like in the old days.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-22 01:09:08

My wife asked me why I don't treat her the same way that I treated her when we first started dating.

So...

I took her out to eat and a movie.

Then, I dropped her off at her parent's house.

aluma · 2024-06-22 06:45:25

Then, I dropped her off at her parent's house.

How about a kiss? Forgot?

quickfur · 2024-06-22 14:56:29

If you dropped your wife off at her parent's house, does that mean you kissed her goodbye?

igorzwx · 2024-06-26 12:52:58

Cardinal de Richelieu asks the head of the Sécurité extérieure, during a military parade, "Sir, who are those guys in the plain suits in the parade?" "Oh," the Sécurité extérieure head answers, "they are economists, Your Eminence." And when Cardinal de Richelieu raises his eyebrows, he hastens to explain, " Just wait until we let them loose in the UK."

NOTE: The joke was found in Shumerian chronicles. Instead of economists, you can substitute any other scientists, depending on the context.

quickfur · 2024-06-26 19:00:12

I was going to do a pun on economists, but there wasn't enough demand.

golinux · 2024-06-27 00:46:22

I'd rather punt the economists in the derrière . . .

quickfur · 2024-06-27 05:44:09

Well, I wasn't going to stoop to a bottom feeder pun, but do you know what's stranger than seeing a catfish?

Watching a fishbowl.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-27 18:43:15

Covid really affected everyone...

...I just saw a burglar kicking in his own door.

I guess he was working from home.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-27 18:47:17

I recently got a cat from our local blacksmith.

As soon as we brought her home, she made a bolt for the door.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-27 18:52:26

My friend and I were stranded at sea in a row boat.

He complained, because we only had four tiny fish to eat.

I said they were Oar d'oeuvres.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-27 19:57:19

I wanted to cook something. The directions said to set the oven to 180°.

Then I couldn't open the oven door.

golinux · 2024-06-27 20:08:46

@The-Amnesiac-Philosopher . . . You are in rare form today!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-27 20:37:35

...just catching up on lost time.

Speaking of time, I have a funny daylight savings time joke!

I'll tell you later.

quickfur · 2024-06-28 04:36:48

I heard a great time travel joke tomorrow!

quickfur · 2024-06-28 04:41:25

A guy walks into a clock shop and said, "I need batteries to tell the time."

The shopkeeper asks, "Is it for a clock?"

The guy replies, "I don't know! That's why I need the batteries."

soren · 2024-06-28 06:36:13

Speaking of batteries,

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

quickfur · 2024-06-28 16:56:34

Did you hear that the chief engineer of a well-known manufacturer of lithium-ion batteries was arrested this morning? According to a news interview, he was explaining how lithium salts worked inside the battery when charging.

In other words, the charges were a salt in battery.

quickfur · 2024-06-28 21:51:34

I wanted to cook something. The directions said to set the oven to 180°.

Speaking of which, if you ever feel cold in the house, simply go and stand in the corner. It's usually 90° there.

Of course, by now you've all already heard the joke about dialing an imaginary phone number and the operator telling you to turn the phone 90° and try again. It's a complex joke, but remember, an imaginary friend squared is a real enemy!

Also, have you heard about the trees that are good at math? They have square roots!

Of course, even more special is the tree with cube roots. But that joke is pretty hard to understand because it's too elliptic.

Finally, why did the mathematician reinvent the square wheel? Because he wanted to drive smoothly over an inverted catenary road...

(Actually, wheels in the shape of any regular polygon (except the triangle) would work, provided the dimensions of the polygon matches the parameters of the catenary road. But this joke has completely gone out of hand, and, as my pet parrot would say, "polygon to sleep from too many obscure math jokes"!)

zapper · 2024-06-29 07:12:14

@quickfur The blacksmith joke was brilliant... you probably have others I missed, but you make so many, I have to wonder where you get them all from.

Either you have a natural talent, or you look them up online and put them on here or a mixture.

I tend to think not the 2nd option. Either the first option or both makes sense to me.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-06-29 13:50:39

Why was the Jalapeño shivering?

Because it was a little chili.

quickfur · 2024-06-29 19:54:24

@zapper: credit where credit is due, I wasn't the one who posted the blacksmith joke.

And you're giving me too much credit; I didn't invent most of these jokes; they are mostly sto^Wborrowed from the internet and suitably adapted to context. As they say in the humour biz, delivery is everything. I guess even the lowly deliverman deserves a tip or two for knowing the right keywords to coax a certain hated search engine to spit out a series of lame puns. Of course, this particular deliverman also rolls his own sometimes, or if a particular pun really tickles him, mixes it with others to make it even more cringe-worthy.

This being his side-job, you understand, when he's not busy delivering pizz^W^Wwriting code for some big evil corporation.

golinux · 2024-06-29 20:14:35

@quickfur . . . Your honesty is appreciated if disappointing . . .

The officially official Devuan Forum!

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