The Joke Thread

moulder61 · 2024-12-28 19:10:01

I bought some Velcro recently. It was £20 per metre. What a rip off!

moulder61 · 2024-12-28 19:13:39

While I was there I asked for a box of 100 cross head screws.
The assistant said, "How long do you want them?"
I said, "I want to keep them."

quickfur · 2024-12-28 20:44:27

I hate shoelaces. Either they come off at the most inconvenient time when I'm in a hurry, and I have to waste time re-tying them, or they are too long and get caught in my bicycle pedal or gears, landing me in near-accidents.

One day I decided it's high time to sit down and have a good talk with my shoelaces. I said, can you please not get untied at the most inconvenient times, and can you please not get caught when I'm riding a bike?

My shoelaces replied, I'm a frayed knot.

quickfur · 2024-12-28 20:46:41

My son, OTOH, is an expert at knot-tying.

He looks at shoes with laces, and says, NO!

moulder61 · 2024-12-28 22:17:29

Talking of shoes, I bought a pair of tortoise shell ones the other week. It took me four hours to get out of the shop.

moulder61 · 2024-12-28 22:22:44

A man came out of prison after 20 years, and amongst the possessions returned to him was a ticket for a shoe repair.
He decided to see if the shoe repairers shop was still there?
Sure enough, it was. Also, the same man that was there 20 years before was working there!
The man gave him the receipt and was told, "They'll be ready on Tuesday,"

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-01 15:04:11

A policeman pulled me over yesterday.

He looked at me and said, "Papers."

I said, "Scissors." So, I won and drove off.

It must have upset him. I think he wanted a rematch or something, because he kept following me around for over an hour.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2025-01-01 15:06:01)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-01 15:12:49

Yesterday, I caused myself a lot of pain from spending too much time measuring radio frequencies.

It still hertz.

quickfur · 2025-01-01 18:10:08

Speaking of radio, yesterday I was wondering why music was coming out of my printer.

Turns out, there was a paper jam.

quickfur · 2025-01-01 18:11:52

And just a few days ago, I saw an old radio at a yard sale. There was a piece of paper on it saying: "$1, volume stuck on full."

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

quickfur · 2025-01-01 18:18:11

A conman has been posing as a psychic and swindling tons of money from people at the fairground. The police showed up, but being short in stature, he managed to evade notice and escape.

The next day, newspaper headlines read: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-03 18:50:34

My wife sent me a text that said, "Ur great!"

I replied, "No, You're great!"

She's been in a great mood ever since.

I guess I should correct her grammar more often...

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-03 23:26:36

My wife said that she's interested in apple watches...

...so I took her to an orchard to watch them.

moulder61 · 2025-01-03 23:32:57

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas?
She said, "An animal fur and something with diamonds."
So I got her a donkey jacket and a pack of playing cards.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-09 22:04:34

Yesterday, I saw a book in our local bookstore. The title was "Forget Everything You Ever Knew About MS-DOS".

So I did.

quickfur · 2025-01-10 00:57:42

Today, I saw another book in the bookstore. It was a novel called The Dutchman in the Tube.

It made me wonder, is it about a hollow cylinder, or a silly Hollander?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-10 01:23:28

In the USA, a lot of women won't date a man unless the man makes at least seven figures a year...

No problem...

$13,764.69

That's seven figures baby!

quickfur · 2025-01-10 04:06:43

So sculptors in the USA get lots of dates?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-10 15:57:01

No, they mostly design grapes and fig leaves in their sculptures...

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-14 18:53:23

Late last night, my wife called out, "Honey, are you coming to bed?"

I said, "Yes, but I need to brush my teeth."

She said, "I do too!"

I said, "No thanks, I think once is enough."

quickfur · 2025-01-15 19:01:00

A young prince was arguing with his father, the King.

Prince: Father, I deserve a proper bed! The King has a king-sized bed, and the Queen has a queen-sized bed. Where's my prince-sized bed??!
King: You know where you sleep. Now get back to your heir mattress!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-24 02:02:38

My family and I recently visited Germany.

At a restaurant, I ordered Schnitzel.

The waiter asked if I wanted 10 slices.

I said, "Nein."

quickfur · 2025-01-24 03:54:36

A gamer was traveling in France and made friends with one of the locals. He asked, Do you like computer games?

The Frenchman replied, Wii.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2025-01-31 05:20:58

I hung a world map on the wall, gave my wife a dart, and I told her that wherever the dart landed...I would take her on a two-week vacation.

Ends up that we'll be spending the next two weeks behind the refrigerator.

quickfur · 2025-01-31 21:55:03

Speaking of vacations, once my wife and I went for a trip to Vietnam. It was an un-pho-gettable experience!

The officially official Devuan Forum!

#826 2024-12-28 19:10:01

Re: The Joke Thread

#827 2024-12-28 19:13:39

Re: The Joke Thread

#828 2024-12-28 20:44:27

Re: The Joke Thread

#829 2024-12-28 20:46:41

Re: The Joke Thread

#830 2024-12-28 22:17:29

Re: The Joke Thread

#831 2024-12-28 22:22:44

Re: The Joke Thread

#832 2025-01-01 15:04:11

Re: The Joke Thread

#833 2025-01-01 15:12:49

Re: The Joke Thread

#834 2025-01-01 18:10:08

Re: The Joke Thread

#835 2025-01-01 18:11:52

Re: The Joke Thread

#836 2025-01-01 18:18:11

Re: The Joke Thread

#837 2025-01-03 18:50:34

Re: The Joke Thread

#838 2025-01-03 23:26:36

Re: The Joke Thread

#839 2025-01-03 23:32:57

Re: The Joke Thread

#840 2025-01-09 22:04:34

Re: The Joke Thread

#841 2025-01-10 00:57:42

Re: The Joke Thread

#842 2025-01-10 01:23:28

Re: The Joke Thread

#843 2025-01-10 04:06:43

Re: The Joke Thread

#844 2025-01-10 15:57:01

Re: The Joke Thread

#845 2025-01-14 18:53:23

Re: The Joke Thread

#846 2025-01-15 19:01:00

Re: The Joke Thread

#847 2025-01-24 02:02:38

Re: The Joke Thread

#848 2025-01-24 03:54:36

Re: The Joke Thread

#849 2025-01-31 05:20:58

Re: The Joke Thread

#850 2025-01-31 21:55:03

Re: The Joke Thread

Board footer