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#726 2024-09-21 08:55:59

moulder61
Member
Registered: 2024-07-06
Posts: 33  

Re: The Joke Thread

My car broke down, so I called out a mechanic.
Mechanic: "Your battery's flat."
Me: "What shape is it supposed to be?"
Mechanic: "Your gasket's blew, too."
Me: "What other colours do they come in?"
Then a tramp walked past and asked what was the matter?
Me: "Piston broke."
Tramp:"Me too, brother. Me too."

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#727 2024-09-21 22:26:13

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

My friend asked me what it was like to be married.

I told him, "Leave me alone."

He did.

So I asked him, "Why are you ignoring me?"

tongue

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#728 2024-09-24 15:39:03

quickfur
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Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

English pronunciation is difficult. It can be learned through tough thorough thought, though.

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#729 2024-09-25 11:11:23

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

This morning, my girlfriend left a note on my door.

It said, 'This is no longer working for me. Goodbye."

I opened the door, closed it, locked it, and unlocked it.

It's working just fine for me.

tongue

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#730 2024-09-25 16:44:04

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

Well my door isn't working.  If anyone can help, please do come in. The door is always open.

big_smile

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#731 2024-09-26 16:11:59

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

These days, more and more medical professionals are moving to online consultations.  I'm unsure about this trend, though... I mean, what if the doctor sends you a message like: "What's your blod type?"  It's typo!

big_smile

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#732 2024-09-27 00:30:24

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

NASA rejected me as an astronaut candidate.

During the interview, I was asked why I wanted to be an astronaut.

I said, "I want to go to the sun!"

She said, "That's impossible. You'll burn up."

I said, "Nah...I'll go at night after it turns off."

tongue

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#733 2024-09-27 01:27:30

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

A sun ray is checking in at the airport.

Agent: Do you have any luggage to check in?
Sun ray: No, I'm traveling light.

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#734 2024-09-27 01:30:50

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

I missed the solar eclipse this year.  I read about its passing...

... in the orbituary.  big_smile

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#735 2024-09-27 09:10:32

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

I once dated a twin.

People asked how I could tell them apart.

I said that it was easy.

The one that I dated was Michelle. She had the cutest dimples when she smiled.

I couldn't see Michael's dimples, because of his facial hair.

tongue

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#736 2024-09-27 17:18:02

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

Speaking of facial hair, I was never a fan of beards, but then it grew on me.  tongue

Remember the kid who boasted that his sister could play the piano by ear?  His friend said, That's nothing; my brother can fiddle with his whiskers!

Now why would his brother want to do that?  Because he likes violins so much he moustache it!

Unfortunately, he was eventually banned from the jazz band. Too much sax and violins.

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#737 2024-09-27 19:06:43

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

Have you ever been a passenger on an airplane...and someone comes over the intercom and says, "This is your Captain speaking..."

Once...

...just once...

...I'd like to hear, "THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING..."

tongue

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-09-27 19:07:43)

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#738 2024-09-27 21:57:39

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

Recently, a Spanish magician came to our town.

He said that he could make a cow disappear.

Someone brought their cow, and the magician waved his wand and said, "Uno, dos ... "

...and the cow disappeared ...

...without a tres.

tongue

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#739 2024-09-28 00:09:34

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

And afterwards, when asked by a young boy where the cow went, the magician replied, it's pasture bedtime!

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#740 2024-09-30 04:37:24

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

I've been writing a book on "Cold Fusion".

It would have been easier if I wrote it on paper.

tongue

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#741 2024-10-01 19:52:39

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

What's the most terrifying thing in the science of nuclear physics?

The word "oops". tongue

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#742 2024-10-02 16:22:55

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

All this talk about hot fusion and cold fusion and what-not, I think it's all just a con.

It leads to con-fusion. big_smile

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#743 2024-10-02 23:18:49

GlennW
Member
From: Brisbane, Australia
Registered: 2019-07-18
Posts: 639  

Re: The Joke Thread

A nurse was taking a bath when there was a knock at her door.
She asked... who is it
A man said... I'm a blind man
Nurse said... come on in the door is unlocked
The man entered and said...
Nice tits..here are your blinds...


pic from 1993, new guitar day.

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#744 2024-10-03 09:51:43

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

I came home from work yesterday, and my wife said, "Thank goodness you're home; the baby has been crying for hours! Can you take over?"

I said, "Okay, but I don't know if I can cry that long."

tongue

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#745 2024-10-03 10:01:42

moulder61
Member
Registered: 2024-07-06
Posts: 33  

Re: The Joke Thread

I was up cleaning the loft with the wife the other day.
Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs.
She's good to the kids though.

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#746 2024-10-03 13:38:16

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

I generally listen to what my wife says, but when she told me to stop imitating a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

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#747 2024-10-03 13:41:28

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

Did you hear about the two vegetarians that got into an argument?

Apparently, they had a beef with each other.

tongue

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#748 2024-10-03 15:39:45

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

I think those two vegetarians made a big missed steak. big_smile

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#749 Yesterday 02:01:13

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher
Member
Registered: 2023-08-24
Posts: 406  

Re: The Joke Thread

It was a tough decision, but I had to get rid of Cinderella from our softball team.

She kept running away from the ball.

tongue

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#750 Yesterday 04:20:28

quickfur
Member
Registered: 2023-12-14
Posts: 411  

Re: The Joke Thread

A bunch of crows were perched on a tree, eyeing a piece of food that someone dropped in the middle of a busy road, and wondering if they should risk flying down to get the food.

It was a tempted murder. big_smile

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