The Joke Thread

moulder61 · 2024-09-21 08:55:59

My car broke down, so I called out a mechanic.
Mechanic: "Your battery's flat."
Me: "What shape is it supposed to be?"
Mechanic: "Your gasket's blew, too."
Me: "What other colours do they come in?"
Then a tramp walked past and asked what was the matter?
Me: "Piston broke."
Tramp:"Me too, brother. Me too."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-21 22:26:13

My friend asked me what it was like to be married.

I told him, "Leave me alone."

He did.

So I asked him, "Why are you ignoring me?"

quickfur · 2024-09-24 15:39:03

English pronunciation is difficult. It can be learned through tough thorough thought, though.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-25 11:11:23

This morning, my girlfriend left a note on my door.

It said, 'This is no longer working for me. Goodbye."

I opened the door, closed it, locked it, and unlocked it.

It's working just fine for me.

quickfur · 2024-09-25 16:44:04

Well my door isn't working. If anyone can help, please do come in. The door is always open.

quickfur · 2024-09-26 16:11:59

These days, more and more medical professionals are moving to online consultations. I'm unsure about this trend, though... I mean, what if the doctor sends you a message like: "What's your blod type?" It's typo!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-27 00:30:24

NASA rejected me as an astronaut candidate.

During the interview, I was asked why I wanted to be an astronaut.

I said, "I want to go to the sun!"

She said, "That's impossible. You'll burn up."

I said, "Nah...I'll go at night after it turns off."

quickfur · 2024-09-27 01:27:30

A sun ray is checking in at the airport.

Agent: Do you have any luggage to check in?
Sun ray: No, I'm traveling light.

quickfur · 2024-09-27 01:30:50

I missed the solar eclipse this year. I read about its passing...

... in the orbituary.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-27 09:10:32

I once dated a twin.

People asked how I could tell them apart.

I said that it was easy.

The one that I dated was Michelle. She had the cutest dimples when she smiled.

I couldn't see Michael's dimples, because of his facial hair.

quickfur · 2024-09-27 17:18:02

Speaking of facial hair, I was never a fan of beards, but then it grew on me.

Remember the kid who boasted that his sister could play the piano by ear? His friend said, That's nothing; my brother can fiddle with his whiskers!

Now why would his brother want to do that? Because he likes violins so much he moustache it!

Unfortunately, he was eventually banned from the jazz band. Too much sax and violins.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-27 19:06:43

Have you ever been a passenger on an airplane...and someone comes over the intercom and says, "This is your Captain speaking..."

Once...

...just once...

...I'd like to hear, "THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING..."

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-09-27 19:07:43)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-27 21:57:39

Recently, a Spanish magician came to our town.

He said that he could make a cow disappear.

Someone brought their cow, and the magician waved his wand and said, "Uno, dos ... "

...and the cow disappeared ...

...without a tres.

quickfur · 2024-09-28 00:09:34

And afterwards, when asked by a young boy where the cow went, the magician replied, it's pasture bedtime!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-09-30 04:37:24

I've been writing a book on "Cold Fusion".

It would have been easier if I wrote it on paper.

quickfur · 2024-10-01 19:52:39

What's the most terrifying thing in the science of nuclear physics?

The word "oops".

quickfur · 2024-10-02 16:22:55

All this talk about hot fusion and cold fusion and what-not, I think it's all just a con.

It leads to con-fusion.

GlennW · 2024-10-02 23:18:49

A nurse was taking a bath when there was a knock at her door.
She asked... who is it
A man said... I'm a blind man
Nurse said... come on in the door is unlocked
The man entered and said...
Nice tits..here are your blinds...

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-03 09:51:43

I came home from work yesterday, and my wife said, "Thank goodness you're home; the baby has been crying for hours! Can you take over?"

I said, "Okay, but I don't know if I can cry that long."

moulder61 · 2024-10-03 10:01:42

I was up cleaning the loft with the wife the other day.
Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs.
She's good to the kids though.

quickfur · 2024-10-03 13:38:16

I generally listen to what my wife says, but when she told me to stop imitating a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-03 13:41:28

Did you hear about the two vegetarians that got into an argument?

Apparently, they had a beef with each other.

quickfur · 2024-10-03 15:39:45

I think those two vegetarians made a big missed steak.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-04 02:01:13

It was a tough decision, but I had to get rid of Cinderella from our softball team.

She kept running away from the ball.

quickfur · 2024-10-04 04:20:28

A bunch of crows were perched on a tree, eyeing a piece of food that someone dropped in the middle of a busy road, and wondering if they should risk flying down to get the food.

It was a tempted murder.

The officially official Devuan Forum!

#726 2024-09-21 08:55:59

Re: The Joke Thread

#727 2024-09-21 22:26:13

Re: The Joke Thread

#728 2024-09-24 15:39:03

Re: The Joke Thread

#729 2024-09-25 11:11:23

Re: The Joke Thread

#730 2024-09-25 16:44:04

Re: The Joke Thread

#731 2024-09-26 16:11:59

Re: The Joke Thread

#732 2024-09-27 00:30:24

Re: The Joke Thread

#733 2024-09-27 01:27:30

Re: The Joke Thread

#734 2024-09-27 01:30:50

Re: The Joke Thread

#735 2024-09-27 09:10:32

Re: The Joke Thread

#736 2024-09-27 17:18:02

Re: The Joke Thread

#737 2024-09-27 19:06:43

Re: The Joke Thread

#738 2024-09-27 21:57:39

Re: The Joke Thread

#739 2024-09-28 00:09:34

Re: The Joke Thread

#740 2024-09-30 04:37:24

Re: The Joke Thread

#741 2024-10-01 19:52:39

Re: The Joke Thread

#742 2024-10-02 16:22:55

Re: The Joke Thread

#743 2024-10-02 23:18:49

Re: The Joke Thread

#744 2024-10-03 09:51:43

Re: The Joke Thread

#745 2024-10-03 10:01:42

Re: The Joke Thread

#746 2024-10-03 13:38:16

Re: The Joke Thread

#747 2024-10-03 13:41:28

Re: The Joke Thread

#748 2024-10-03 15:39:45

Re: The Joke Thread

#749 2024-10-04 02:01:13

Re: The Joke Thread

#750 2024-10-04 04:20:28

Re: The Joke Thread

Board footer