The Joke Thread

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-04 15:38:18

Our daughter was recently injured while playing Peek-a-boo.

So we took her to the ICU.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-04 15:49:25

I was recently called into my supervisor's office for poor job performance.

He said, "I don't know if you're just indifferent or apathetic!"

I said, "I'm not concerned, and I don't care."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-04 21:12:26

Recently, we had a kidnapping in our neighborhood.

He eventually woke up.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-05 01:02:13

A recent study by The American Board of Dermatology has shown that one of the leading causes of dry skin is a towel.

quickfur · 2024-10-05 14:54:20

one of the leading causes of dry skin is a towel.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to throw in the towel at this point. This sense of humor is just too dry.

quickfur · 2024-10-07 17:01:29

Have you noticed that the phrase "the IRS" spells the word "theirs"?

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-09 09:25:14

Have you noticed that the phrase "the IRS" spells the word "theirs"? big_smile

Hahahaha! Can't argue with the truth!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-09 12:23:35

Yesterday, I met a man who digs ditches as his profession.

His name is Doug.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-09 16:12:09

I went to the doctor last week.

He asked, "What's the problem?"

I said, "I broke my leg in two places."

He said, "Stop going to those places."

quickfur · 2024-10-09 18:20:33

A depressed guy was talking to his therapist. "I can't deal with my problems anymore!"

The therapist replied, "Have you ever tried becoming a school bus driver?"

"What has that got to do with my problems?"

"Because then all your problems will be behind you!"

moulder61 · 2024-10-09 19:10:28

I saw a guy get run over by a mobile library.
He was trapped under the front wheel, screaming his head off.
The driver got out and said, "Shhhh."

quickfur · 2024-10-09 19:39:47

I saw a guy get run over by a shared library.
He was trapped under dbus, streaming his head off.
The driver got out and said, SSH!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-09 22:39:53

I came home from work today, and my wife was visibly upset.

I asked, "What's up? You seem upset."

She looked at me...took a deep breath...and said, "You better answer this fast! You were gone all night, and you weren't here when I woke up! Where exactly were you last night?"

So I said, "Fast!"

quickfur · 2024-10-10 00:29:12

Dad: I... I... think I'm having a heart attack. C-call me an ambulance, quick!
Son: OK. Uh... dad, you're an ambulance.

🤦

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-10 12:43:55

My nephew wanted me to teach him how to play the guitar.

After three lessons, he was upset and complaining about how hard it was and how the tips of his fingers hurt.

I said, "You fret too much."

moulder61 · 2024-10-10 14:26:06

I went for an interview for a job as a dustman.
I said, "What sort of training do I get?"
Interviewer said, "None, you pick it up as you go along."

quickfur · 2024-10-10 15:54:37

Yesterday while walking down an alley, I saw Schrödinger's dumpster. It has this written on it:

"Empty when full."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-10-11 00:01:04

Q. Did you hear about the guy whose thumbs were always arguing with each other?

A. Yeah...apparently, they were both opposable.

moulder61 · 2024-10-11 11:28:55

What about the Judge that had no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

quickfur · 2024-10-16 17:53:59

How did the police catch the murderer? Because he didn't hide the body -- they saw him leaving the crime seen.

moulder61 · 2024-10-16 19:06:38

A guy out driving gets pulled over by the police.
Policeman says, "Would you step out of the vehicle please sir, and come around the back?"
Man says, "OK officer."
The policeman points to a light that's not working and the man starts crying.
Policeman says, "Don't get upset sir, it probably just needs a new bulb."
Man says, "Where's my bloody caravan?!"

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · Yesterday 14:37:48

What has five toes but isn't your foot?
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My foot.

moulder61 · Yesterday 18:52:29

A guy wakes up in hospital after an operation to amputate his leg.
Doctor says, "There's two bits of good news and some bad news."
Man says, "What's the bad news?"
Doctor says, "We cut the wrong leg off."
Man says, "What's the good news?"
Doctor says, "The other one is getting better, and the guy in the next bed will give you £1 for your slippers."

quickfur · Yesterday 20:33:49

Doctor says, "We cut the wrong leg off."

Which means that the other leg is the right one?

This would be the first time a leg that's left is the right one. I guess when you only have one leg it's no longer important whether it's the left leg or the right leg?

ralph.ronnquist · Yesterday 22:14:03

@T-A-P Can you please stop that useless vertical spacing... you just makes everything even more boring!

The officially official Devuan Forum!

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