The Joke Thread

quickfur · 2024-07-17 01:13:39

I have a procrastination problem, so I decided to join a help group.

It's called the Wait Watchers.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-19 14:30:45

How many times do you have to tickle a squid to make it laugh?

Ten...tentickles.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-19 14:37:00

Last week, someone stole the toilets from our local police station.

It's a mystery. For now, the police have nothing to go on.

quickfur · 2024-07-19 15:32:27

This morning the local pharmacy was broken into, and apparently weight loss pills were stolen.

Police say suspects are still at large.

soren · 2024-07-20 06:47:45

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.
I said "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape, but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

aluma · 2024-07-22 13:30:13

A troll will sometimes say something like this, I never thought of it myself

igorzwx wrote:
I hope that I am mistaken, but it looks like you are simulating "problems with ALSA", in order to convince people to use pulseaudio.

quickfur · 2024-07-24 18:37:39

"Did you hear the news? That famous actress just got stabbed! Reese whatshername..."

"Witherspoon??"

"No, with a knife, you silly."

quickfur · 2024-07-24 18:41:55

What's a horse's favorite bread? Thorough.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-25 17:45:32

I told my wife that our next door neighbor had moved away.

She asked, "Who Ray?"

I said, "Shhhhh...it's too early to celebrate like that."

quickfur · 2024-07-25 21:07:14

Do you know what's at the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle?

A wreck tangle.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-25 21:10:54

Hahahaha! That one got me pretty good!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-27 00:29:02

I recently found out my wife is cheating on me.

I called her, and I asked her when she'd be here.

She said, "I'll be there in 15 minutes max."

My name isn't Max.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-07-27 00:29:54)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-27 00:41:47

I went on an "Understanding Diabetes" website, and it asked me to accept all cookies.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-07-27 00:49:32)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-27 08:50:35

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said that nothing would make her happier than a romantic trip to France.

So, I got her nothing.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-07-27 10:11:33)

quickfur · 2024-07-27 12:48:43

As someone once said:

Nobody is perfect. I am Nobody.

🤣

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-30 14:13:24

What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-07-30 14:16:46

What do the Carolina Panthers and Chick-fil-A workers have in common?

Neither of them show up on Sundays.

quickfur · 2024-07-30 14:53:44

Once an alien landed in the concert hall and met famous composer Franz Schubert.

The alien said, Please take me to your lieder.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-01 11:06:17

I'm offended at offensive offenders who offend offending offenders who offend offenders while being offended at offending offenders who offend.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-01 22:20:32

I asked my friend from Hawaii, "Do you guys ever laugh hysterically, or is it always just a-low-ha?"

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-01 22:23:52

Someone said that Elon Musk bought twitter for $44 billion.

I thought, "Dude...you can get it for free from the app store."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-01 22:26:49

I've been going to the gym for a few weeks now.

I asked my trainer which machine I should use to attract the most women.

He said, "The ATM."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-01 23:07:15

Our son recently started learning to play the bagpipes.

I told him that I'd give him one last chance to stop playing them after 9:00pm...

...but he blew it.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-08-01 23:09:47)

quickfur · 2024-08-01 23:35:29

My friend told me that he'd finally settled on a career choice.

"To make a long story short", he said, "I became an editor."

quickfur · 2024-08-01 23:38:11

After the girls went for their beauty treatment, I can finally talk to them about the detrimental effects of botox, and none of them would raise an eyebrow.

The officially official Devuan Forum!

#576 2024-07-17 01:13:39

Re: The Joke Thread

#577 2024-07-19 14:30:45

Re: The Joke Thread

#578 2024-07-19 14:37:00

Re: The Joke Thread

#579 2024-07-19 15:32:27

Re: The Joke Thread

#580 2024-07-20 06:47:45

Re: The Joke Thread

#581 2024-07-22 13:30:13

Re: The Joke Thread

#582 2024-07-24 18:37:39

Re: The Joke Thread

#583 2024-07-24 18:41:55

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#584 2024-07-25 17:45:32

Re: The Joke Thread

#585 2024-07-25 21:07:14

Re: The Joke Thread

#586 2024-07-25 21:10:54

Re: The Joke Thread

#587 2024-07-27 00:29:02

Re: The Joke Thread

#588 2024-07-27 00:41:47

Re: The Joke Thread

#589 2024-07-27 08:50:35

Re: The Joke Thread

#590 2024-07-27 12:48:43

Re: The Joke Thread

#591 2024-07-30 14:13:24

Re: The Joke Thread

#592 2024-07-30 14:16:46

Re: The Joke Thread

#593 2024-07-30 14:53:44

Re: The Joke Thread

#594 2024-08-01 11:06:17

Re: The Joke Thread

#595 2024-08-01 22:20:32

Re: The Joke Thread

#596 2024-08-01 22:23:52

Re: The Joke Thread

#597 2024-08-01 22:26:49

Re: The Joke Thread

#598 2024-08-01 23:07:15

Re: The Joke Thread

#599 2024-08-01 23:35:29

Re: The Joke Thread

#600 2024-08-01 23:38:11

Re: The Joke Thread

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