The Joke Thread

quickfur · 2024-08-10 22:53:31

"Help, help! I've been working on a project for Microsoft for months, and finally delivered the product, but they still haven't paid me yet! What should I do?"

"Bill Gates."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-11 00:02:08

BWAAAAAHAHAhahahaha!!!

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-13 13:01:41

Last week, I bought a universal remote control.

It doesn't even remotely control the universe.

quickfur · 2024-08-13 14:10:14

The first time I got a universal remote control, I said to myself, this changes everything!
😆

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-14 16:43:02

Today's generation can't talk without their favorite words...

1. like
2. uhmmm
3. words with a double-t in their spelling

Example: I can't like...uhmm...buh-un my pants, because...like...I can't...uhmmm...like...buh-un my pants, because like, the buh-un is like...uhmmm...so like unbuh-nable.

Properly, that would translate to: My pants are hard to button.

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-08-14 16:44:35)

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-14 22:11:59

Yesterday, I woke up in a frenzy that I was late for work.

Then I realized that I was already at work.

quickfur · 2024-08-16 23:14:17

The vegetarian recently quit her job. The celery wasn't good enough.

zapper · 2024-08-18 01:07:51

I am sure golinux loves all these groaners a lot.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-22 12:31:39

I recently had a Contact Lense problem.

I couldn't find the Solution.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-22 12:34:15

Mirriam Webster taught me about the meaning of "plethora".

It really meant a lot to me.

quickfur · 2024-08-22 14:09:43

"I shoot people. Sometimes, I cut off their heads."

Said my camera.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-22 19:04:56

Yesterday, someone stole over 100 wigs and 50 toupees.

Police are combing the area...

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-22 19:06:40

The police found 12 jugs of moonshine recently.

They haven't arrested anyone, but they're still working on the case...

Last edited by The-Amnesiac-Philosopher (2024-08-22 19:07:04)

quickfur · 2024-08-23 18:55:07

My friend got tired of boiling water to make pasta every day, so now he boils a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freezes it for later.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-23 19:01:43

HAHAHAHAHAhahahaha!!!

dyfi · 2024-08-24 09:53:47

It’s fatal to open windows in planes and submarines.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-24 21:15:55

People today are too judgmental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-24 21:18:18

I was pulled over by the police last night.

The officer came over, knocked on my window, and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Just a minute; I'm on my phone."

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-24 21:19:35

A salesman wanted to sell me a coffin yesterday.

I said, "Man, that's the last thing I need."

dyfi · 2024-08-25 04:29:40

Most computer problems can be simply solved by completely removing the loose nut on the seat.

quickfur · 2024-08-26 22:08:45

After decades of boasting to his Windows friends that his Linux box is immune to viruses, last week Johnny discovered to his chagrin that he got infected with a rootkit and has to reinstall the entire OS.

It's a terminal illness.

quickfur · 2024-08-26 22:12:50

In the old days, the way you handle problems in your program is to write an if-statement to check the error code, and then print an error message and exit.

These days, however, you can't do that anymore. The Javascript engine doesn't tell you the error code about what the problem is; all it does is to promise to callback.

greenjeans · 2024-08-26 23:34:54

Well it's not a joke per se, but a while back I replaced the term "red-flag" in my conversations, and the wife followed suit. We all know what "red-flag" means, it's a warning, a sign something bad is likely to happen and to steer clear of it.

We now use the term "red-hat" to indicate some utterly repulsive crap is about to go down.

I.E. "Well that used-car salesman called and said he had a heckuva deal for us on a truck, but there were just too many red-hats about the whole thing, he seems pretty skeevy and i'm pretty sure he's trying to dump a lemon on us"

quickfur · 2024-08-27 15:25:27

As they say, the biggest irony is being hit by a Dodge.

The-Amnesiac-Philosopher · 2024-08-28 18:54:11

My grandfather joined a dating site for Senior Citizens.

It's called Carbon Dating.

The officially official Devuan Forum!

#626 2024-08-10 22:53:31

Re: The Joke Thread

#627 2024-08-11 00:02:08

Re: The Joke Thread

#628 2024-08-13 13:01:41

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#629 2024-08-13 14:10:14

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#630 2024-08-14 16:43:02

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#631 2024-08-14 22:11:59

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#632 2024-08-16 23:14:17

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#633 2024-08-18 01:07:51

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#634 2024-08-22 12:31:39

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#635 2024-08-22 12:34:15

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#636 2024-08-22 14:09:43

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#637 2024-08-22 19:04:56

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#638 2024-08-22 19:06:40

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#639 2024-08-23 18:55:07

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#640 2024-08-23 19:01:43

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#641 2024-08-24 09:53:47

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#642 2024-08-24 21:15:55

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#643 2024-08-24 21:18:18

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#644 2024-08-24 21:19:35

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#645 2024-08-25 04:29:40

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#646 2024-08-26 22:08:45

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#647 2024-08-26 22:12:50

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#648 2024-08-26 23:34:54

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#649 2024-08-27 15:25:27

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#650 2024-08-28 18:54:11

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