Did you hear about the fight between the crabs and shrimp at Joe's Crab Shack?

Yeah, the shrimp got battered.

Nick Lowe: Cruel to be Kind

Yesterday, I went to the deli. I asked the guy behind the counter if I could get turkey and Swiss on wheat bread with pickles.

He said, "Sorry, we only accept cash or cards."

How to tell a man from a woman...

When a woman says, "Smell this.", it smells good.

I hung a world map on the wall, gave my wife a dart, and I told her that wherever the dart landed...I would take her on a two-week vacation.

Ends up that we'll be spending the next two weeks behind the refrigerator.

Late last night, my wife called out, "Honey, are you coming to bed?"

I said, "Yes, but I need to brush my teeth."

She said, "I do too!"

I said, "No thanks, I think once is enough."

In the USA, a lot of women won't date a man unless the man makes at least seven figures a year...

No problem...

$13,764.69

That's seven figures baby!

My wife said that she's interested in apple watches...

...so I took her to an orchard to watch them.

There are still many people who have to and/or need to use 32bit systems. Many people and schools (in less developed countries) wouldn't have a computer if they hadn't received an old 32bit computer freely from those who were willing to donate them.

...but hey, they're not worth supporting, are they? After all, they aren't able to donate any money to Micro$oft, MACostly, BSDs, Linux, or any systems.

If not, donate 64bit computers to them.

A policeman pulled me over yesterday.

He looked at me and said, "Papers."

I said, "Scissors." So, I won and drove off.

It must have upset him. I think he wanted a rematch or something, because he kept following me around for over an hour.

I asked my Schizophrenic friend, "Which song is your favorite Christmas Carol?"

He said, "Do You Hear What I Hear."

When our children were young, my wife asked me to child-proof our home.

I did, but they still got in.