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#26 2017-12-26 02:00:19

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

Three pieces of string were wanting a cup of coffee each.

The first one walked into the café and asked the barista for a cappuccino. The barista looked him up and down and said, "We don't serve string here." The piece of string walked out feeling sorry for himself.

The second piece of string walked into the café and asked the barista for a mocha. The barista looked him up and down and said, "We don't serve string here." The piece of string walked out feeling dejected.

The third piece of string had watched all of this happen and formulated a plan. He unraveled his top, tied a half-hitch in his middle, and then walked into the café and asked for a latte. The barista looked him up and down with suspicion, considered it for a minute, and then said, "Are you a piece of string?"

To which the third piece of string answered, "Nope...frayed knot".


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#27 2017-12-27 05:17:16

fungus
Member
From: Any witch way
Registered: 2017-07-12
Posts: 497  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

Hey, did you know what color Christa McAuliffe's eyes were?

Blew!

One blew this way the other went that way!


Christa was the first American teacher to head for space, died 73" after lift off when the Challenger BLEW!

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#28 2017-12-27 05:23:42

golinux
Administrator
Registered: 2016-11-25
Posts: 1,371  

Re: The Joke Thread

That's not funny

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#29 2017-12-28 03:42:31

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

Anyone know where I can get a Decaffeinated Coffee Table?


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#30 2017-12-28 09:38:11

Geoff 42
Member
Registered: 2016-12-15
Posts: 188  

Re: The Joke Thread

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

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#31 2017-12-30 00:40:10

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

Two atoms met for lunch, and the first one said to the second one, "How are you doing today?"

Atom 2: "Not too good; I've lost an electron."

Atom 1: "Are you sure?"

Atom 2: "Oh yeah. I'm Positive."


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#32 2017-12-30 02:41:11

sgage
Member
Registered: 2016-12-01
Posts: 134  

Re: The Joke Thread

So, two guys walk into a bar. The bartender says, "is this some kind of a joke"?

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#33 2017-12-30 02:51:48

sgage
Member
Registered: 2016-12-01
Posts: 134  

Re: The Joke Thread

A baseball joke that my non-American friends might not quite 'get':

The Boston Symphony recently performed Beethoven's Ninth symphony which is a wonderful piece that has a part near the end in which the bass violins do nothing. So, the bassists snuck offstage, out the backdoor, and next door to the local pub for a drink.

After quickly gulping down a few stiff drinks, one of them checked his watch and said, "Oh no, we only have 30 seconds to get back!"

Another bassist said, "Don't worry, I tied the last page of the conductor's score down with string to give us a bit more time. We'll be fine."

So, they staggered and stumbled back into the concert hall and took their places just as the conductor was busily working on the knot in the string so he could finish the symphony.

Someone in the audience asked his companion, "What's going on? Is there a problem?"
His companion said, "This is a critical point - it's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

Last edited by sgage (2017-12-30 02:52:28)

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#34 2017-12-30 23:46:07

fungus
Member
From: Any witch way
Registered: 2017-07-12
Posts: 497  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

It's getting better and better

The last one must have come out of some Irish pub in Boston I suspect


Where do pencils go on vacation?





In Pencilvania

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#35 2018-01-03 00:43:20

greenjeans
Member
Registered: 2017-04-07
Posts: 424  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

Guy walks into a bar with his dog, sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender says " Sorry man, your dog will have to wait outside".

Man says " Oh you don't understand, that's Rover, the world's only talking dog, ask him what he wants to drink"!

Bartender says " What do you want to drink Rover?" , Rover says "I'll have a light beer please"

Bartender says " Okay man, good ventriloquist trick, but your dog will need to wait outside"

Man: "No it's true, look I have to go use the restroom, when i'm gone, ask the dog again, you'll see"

Man goes to restroom and after he's gone, the bartender asks the dog again what he would like to drink.

Rover says " I said i'll have a light beer please"

The bartender gets really excited, and asks if Rover will do him a favor: "Here, take this ten dollar bill, walk across the street into Joe's bar, order a beer, and spit it out and say that our beer is ten times better, will you do that for me?"

Rover shrugs his doggy shoulders and says sure, and walks out.

The man finally comes out of the bathroom, and looks around for his dog, the bartender says " Oh I gave him some cash and asked him to do a small practical joke for me, sent him across the street"!

The man gets very upset and runs out of the bar to look for his dog.

As soon as he gets out to the street, he sees Rover, busy having his way with a cute poodle right there on the sidewalk.

The man says " OMG Rover i've never seen you do THIS before"

And Rover replies: .......























"....I never had ten dollars before"

wink


https://sourceforge.net/projects/vuu-do/
Vuu-do GNU/Linux, minimal 64 and 32 bit Devuan-based openbox and mate systems to build on, maximal versions if you prefer your linux fully-loaded.

Please donate to support Devuan and init freedom! https://devuan.org/os/donate

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#36 2018-01-03 10:50:13

ralph.ronnquist
Administrator
From: Clifton Hill, Victoria, AUS
Registered: 2016-11-30
Posts: 276  

Re: The Joke Thread

This post is intentionally left blank.

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#37 2018-01-03 11:44:47

zephyr
Member
From: Norman, Oklahoma USA
Registered: 2016-12-01
Posts: 182  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

greenjeans wrote"....I never had ten dollars before"

first a grin and a good laugh once seeing the punch line further down.

Going to be great New year folks...thank you!

cheers

z

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#38 2018-01-03 11:53:49

fungus
Member
From: Any witch way
Registered: 2017-07-12
Posts: 497  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

I’ve always thought my neighbors were the nicest people









But then they had to put a password on their Wi-Fi

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#39 2018-01-03 16:31:32

golinux
Administrator
Registered: 2016-11-25
Posts: 1,371  

Re: The Joke Thread

ralph.ronnquist wrote:

This post is intentionally left blank.

No doubt the wittiest post in this thread.

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#40 2018-01-03 23:24:14

fungus
Member
From: Any witch way
Registered: 2017-07-12
Posts: 497  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

Hey did you hear about the funniest joke in human history?














it even made golinux crank a smile

Last edited by fungus (2018-01-03 23:24:43)

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#41 2018-01-04 21:59:05

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

Why did Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refuse novocaine when he went to the dentist?

Because he practices transend dental medication.

Last edited by MiyoLinux (2018-01-05 00:42:25)


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#42 2018-01-04 22:15:35

golinux
Administrator
Registered: 2016-11-25
Posts: 1,371  

Re: The Joke Thread

. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur.  TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.

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#43 2018-01-04 22:34:36

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

golinux wrote:

. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur.  TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.

I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.



Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels. tongue

Last edited by MiyoLinux (2018-01-04 22:35:41)


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#44 2018-01-04 22:54:19

golinux
Administrator
Registered: 2016-11-25
Posts: 1,371  

Re: The Joke Thread

MiyoLinux wrote:
golinux wrote:

. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur.  TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.

I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.

No need to apologize.  Most Buddhists in the West make it up as they go along.  It's really rather pathetic.  But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels. tongue

I looked at this for several minutes before I realized - baygulls.  I am a diehard literalist.

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#45 2018-01-05 00:28:01

greenjeans
Member
Registered: 2017-04-07
Posts: 424  
Website

Re: The Joke Thread

golinux wrote:
MiyoLinux wrote:
golinux wrote:

. . . an apples and oranges non-sequitur.  TM has nothing to do with Buddhism.

I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.

No need to apologize.  Most Buddhists in the West make it up as they go along.  It's really rather pathetic.  But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels. tongue

I looked at this for several minutes before I realized - baygulls.  I am a diehard literalist.

What do you call a Texas Buddhist's mantra?

OM on the range.

wink


https://sourceforge.net/projects/vuu-do/
Vuu-do GNU/Linux, minimal 64 and 32 bit Devuan-based openbox and mate systems to build on, maximal versions if you prefer your linux fully-loaded.

Please donate to support Devuan and init freedom! https://devuan.org/os/donate

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#46 2018-01-05 00:40:58

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

golinux wrote:

But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?

Geesh...you're a hardliner.  big_smile  I was just repeating a joke; I didn't make it up. LOLOL!!!

In all fairness, many yoga practitioners practice TM.

I'll go edit the joke again...  tongue

Maybe this time it'll pass the golinux test??? LOLOLOLOL!!!


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#47 2018-01-05 00:46:33

golinux
Administrator
Registered: 2016-11-25
Posts: 1,371  

Re: The Joke Thread

greenjeans wrote:
golinux wrote:
MiyoLinux wrote:

I apologize, and I have edited the post. In all fairness, there are many _____ who practice TM. As the original post stood, it said that "he" was a practitioner of it. However, I can see your point and it's validity.

No need to apologize.  Most Buddhists in the West make it up as they go along.  It's really rather pathetic.  But what makes you think that TM has any relevance to yoga either?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels. tongue

I looked at this for several minutes before I realized - baygulls.  I am a diehard literalist.

What do you call a Texas Buddhist's mantra?

OM on the range.

wink

FYI, mantras are a cultural appendage to Buddhism not Buddhism.

Happy to see you finally got the TM stuff right.  big_smile

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#48 2018-01-05 00:57:08

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

golinux wrote:

FYI, mantras are a cultural appendage to Buddhism not Buddhism.

Perhaps it's my warped sense of humor, but your literal and hardline stance cracks me up.

I think I'll stay away from any more Buddhism stuff, because I'm not Buddhicipherous enough to know what's what. smile


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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#49 2018-01-05 01:24:01

golinux
Administrator
Registered: 2016-11-25
Posts: 1,371  

Re: The Joke Thread

MiyoLinux wrote:
golinux wrote:

FYI, mantras are a cultural appendage to Buddhism not Buddhism.

Perhaps it's my warped sense of humor, but your literal and hardline stance cracks me up.

Awwwww . . . that's sweet.

I think I'll stay away from any more Buddhism stuff, because I'm not Buddhicipherous enough to know what's what. smile

You have a lot of company.  wink  Please don't take it personally . . .

Perhaps you want to move on to mushroom humor?

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#50 2018-01-05 02:34:02

MiyoLinux
Member
Registered: 2016-12-05
Posts: 754  

Re: The Joke Thread

golinux wrote:

You have a lot of company.  wink  Please don't take it personally . . .

I didn't take it personally...I was enjoying the "challenge".

golinux wrote:

Perhaps you want to move on to mushroom humor?

Okay...but don't confuse my cornyism with mushroomism. smile


Some mushrooms in a tightly packed container were waiting idly in the produce section of the supermarket.

One said, "Hey! Move over...you're crowding my space!"

To which the other replied, "I can't. There's not mush room in here!"  tongue


I have been Devuanated, and my practice in the art of Devuanism shall continue until my Devuanization is complete. Until then, I will strive to continue in my understanding of Devuanchology, Devuanprocity, and Devuanivity.

Veni, vidi, vici vdevuaned. I came, I saw, I Devuaned. wink

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